Over the weekend, a report was released by top data analysts in at the Bureau of Street Festival Census Collection stating that, with the creation of the 'Flip-flops and Socks festival' in southern Rhode Island this August the last fucking thing there was now has it's own festival.
Gregory Dermond, spokesperson for the SFCC had this to say:
"That's it. There is literally not a single fucking thing in existence that doesn't have a goddamn shitty street fair associated with it now that those ass-backwards cockwads in Rhode Island started a festival in honor of wearing socks with flip flops."
Experts had long been concerned with the finite quantity of subjects upon which a poorly executed street fair could be focused by small towns with no other possible draw for outside sources of commerce.
"The last good concept for a street fair happened around 1997 and it's just been downhill from there. Around 2010, we really started seeing things take a turn for the worse as all of the good foods already had festivals in their honor somewhere in the country." Dermond laments "These fuckleberries started creating festivals for stuff that was a side ingredient to actual food at best. It's like someone in the idiot community released a memo that said if you can make a fucking shit flavored ice cream out of it, you can have a festival for it. Thus we started having to deal with shit like Pickle festivles, mushroom festivals and so help me fucking Christ Kale festivals."
It seems it wasn't until the last few years that street festival subjects really started to get bad or even downright disturbing in some cases, as the available number of topics dwindled increasingly lower.
"2016 was the year that everything in America really went to shit" Dermond tells us "The good stuff, hell, even most of the bad stuff was taken, so people started really deep diving into the depths of their shit filled, garbage imaginations for festival ideas. I remember, that was an expensive year with that 'Gasoline and Lit Matches' festival in Utah burning down most of the town. Luckily it was Utah, so who gives a shit, but even that wasn't as bad as the fucking Halloween ones we had to deal with that year."
"It's not surprising. It's like everywhere you turn somebody is throwing another festival about something nobody gives a fuck about. I actually had to move after I got trapped in my house for seven weeks while my street was closed for twenty four consecutive street fairs last summer." Said one woman when asked what she thought of the fact that the very last thing in existence now finally had it's own associated Street Fair.
A different perspective perhaps is held by Meghan Waters, a crafter and regular exhibitor at street festivals who makes scarves for dogs and humans out of recycled glass shards. When asked to comment on the Socks and Flip-flops festival she said "Thank God they've finally gotten them all. It was touch and go there for a while, but there are finally enough Street fairs that I don't have to get a real job."
What do you think of the official last street festival topic being taken? What festivals does your town hold? How do you get to work with 15-20,000 people on motorized scooters in the streets every day? Let us know!