Fart Torture Story

I use Squarespace to host this website, and every now and again they roll out some new feature that people with significantly greater understanding of how to properly run and grow their sites undoubtably find extremely useful.

The newest thing I've received an email about is Google Search keywords as part of their analytics services.


While I mostly don't concern myself with site traffic, search engine optimization and other such things that are important if you're trying to monetize your site or fuel a desperate need for validation (he said, as if a desperate need for validation were not the driving force behind everything in his life), I'm sure it's a pretty handy little resource, and I'm at least curious enough to play with it once.

Let's take a look at what key terms Google thinks I should be using to really get my content out there. What is it that the people of the internet want to see?

Here are Google's top ten reccomendations for key words and phrases I should use to increase my website's visibility:


Google. . . What the fuck.

Internet. What. The. Fuck. 

Clearly somebody is doing something very wrong in this scenario and frankly I'm not sure who it is. Either it's me, and I need to take a long hard look at the content of my writing and possibly my character as a human OR it's Google and they need to get someone to review the code for this analytics thing.

The third option, of course is that the real fault here lies with the society who psychologically damaged a generation of people so badly that a computer which learns from our search history, having all of humanities collective curiosity at it's disposal can only come up with Horse Fart Fanfic.

Its official, we've run this one into the ground, time to start a new civilization. 

Before I go I'd just like to quickly address all of the folks currently reading this who stumbled in here on accident while looking for fart torture fanfiction. Hey, hows it going? Welcome to my website.

Before you click away let me just apologize that the title was a misdirect and that you came here looking for tastefully written short stories presumably involving someone being forcibly held down and farted on (with or without horses) but instead got nothing but lightly mocked. It was nice to have you in any event, I hope you find what you're looking for at the next website you try.

And hey, maybe once you finish up masturbating or whatever come on back and take a look around, maybe you'll find some of my posts here pretty funny. After all, according to Google my content is pretty well geared towards the fart fetishist demographic. Who knows, maybe you'll expand your horizons and you'll be able to use the internet for two things from now on, neat!