It's Valentine's day, and my wife decided she wanted to do a collaborative post in honor of the holiday. She saw one of those cutesy couples quiz things on Facebook where you're supposed to fill in the answers and re-post it to your own wall and thought it would be fun for us to each fill it out to put out on the 14th.
I presume it was an understood given than I was not going to take the thing seriously, but we'll see how mad at me she gets after it comes out.
As usual when we do these types of posts, both of us did our part independently of one another and I've compiled the answers, unedited into one post. Here you go:
In honor of Valentine's Day, all couples: Make this your status and answer honestly!
Matt: Chronologically or in a more broad sense? Because my wife is currently attending an Ivy League university to obtain her medical degree in Veterinary medicine while I average four puns an hour and didn't learn how to do taxes until last week.
Who was interested first?
Emily: Hmm. I’d say it was equal. But I always thought he was pretty gosh darn cute.
Matt: I find the wording of this question vague. Interested in what? Cake? If it's cake the answer is me. I was interested in cake first. I hope they meant cake.
How long have you been together?
Emily: 6 years in May.
Matt: Something like six years, but It feels like forever. Good forever though. The kind of forever where you can hardly remember the unbelievably shitty version of the universe that existed when you were alone.
Emily: You know it! Look at that face!
Matt: My wedding ring and tax return would indicate that yes, we are in fact married.
Emily: Hah! Definitely Matt!
Matt: Oh for suuuuure it's her. Shes toootally the more sarcastic one.*
* Is there an setting to italics even harder?
Who makes the most mess?
Emily: We contribute in our own ways. But I’d say in general, probably Matt contributes more but he also probably doesn’t recognize when he’s made a mess more.
Matt: I am positive she is going to say it's me, but the fact that one millisecond after she walks in the door every goddamn surface in the house somehow has coats, bags and books piled on them would seem to contradict her assertion.
Who has more tattoos?
Matt: She does, 2 to 0. I keep getting close to getting one, but then I just think how often I buy a shirt and end up regretting the purchase after the first time I wear it and it stops me from permanently imprinting something on my body.
I'm lookin' at you 'wolf howling at an American Flag' shirt that I bought at Wal-Mart for 8 bucks because I thought it would be funny to wear ironically only to realize it's not ironic and I'm just an asshole.
Emily: It really depends on the genre. I mean normal singing, I’d say him but I have more of a calling for opera than he does.
Matt: You haven't lived until you've heard my wife sing the same two lines of a song at the top of her voice in a fake opera vibrato for two straight days.
Hogs the remotes?
Matt:The remote is mine. I will fight anyone.
Emily: Me! But he would never admit that.
Matt: It must be Emily. I mean, she's so good at driving that she provides me with an incessant stream of pointers and corrections from the passenger seat of the car at all times. Including, but not limited to reminding me to make the turn into our own driveway.
Emily: We have our strengths. We definitely have the biological sciences covered between the two of us. He has the street smarts. I think it was his time spent in public schooling.
Matt: Again. Emily is in school to be come a doctor. I spent an hour drawing a t-rex dressed like Batman earlier today.
What are your middle names?
Emily: Rose and Douglas.
Matt: Karen and Ragnar the Soul Mangler. You may speculate on your own which name belongs to whom. Hint; mine is Karen.
Whose siblings do you see the most?
Do you have any children together?
Emily: 3 beautiful babies- Olive Jane, Grifford Danger, and Crosby (AKA Mr. Bird) *
Matt: This is the part where literally every couple on the planet without kids names their pets, right?
* called it
Did you go to the same school?
Emily: The same college for undergrad.
Matt: College, yes
Who is the most sensitive?
Emily: I guess me…
Matt: I would like to abstain from answering this question on the grounds that certain involved parties might be a little sensitive about their sensitivity.
Where do you eat out most as a couple?
Emily:We don’t eat out very much but if I had to pick, I guess it would be Salad Works or Chipotle.
Matt: As a couple, Saladworks. My shame trips to Arby's I do on my own.
Where is the furthest you two have traveled?
Emily: Grenada for our honeymoon
Matt: Sedona Arizona, where we got engaged.
*One would assume Grenada where we went for our honeymoon, but I google mapped that shit. Sedona is further from where we live by a few hundred miles.
Who has the worst temper?
Emily: Never me.
Matt: I am as a font of patience and unflappable calm whilst Emily is basically a towering inferno of rage at all times. She is not going to admit this. She is a liar and nobody will believe me.
Who does the cooking?
Emily: When I’m not in school, we split it but now, it’s definitely him!
Matt: It depends. In the instance of who has to wash lettuce for salads it is my responsibility 100% of the time because it is the literal worst thing on the planet and a certain somebody refuses to do it. That certain somebody also won't just eat the goddamned pre-washed kind that I like meaning not only do I have to buy two kinds of lettuce, but I have have to wash dry and chop the shitty romaine even though I hate it and don't want that kind in the first place and spring mix is way better and cant you see your unreasonable lettuce habits are tearing this family apart?!
Other than that we split it fairly evenly though.
Who is more social?
Emily: I’d say it depends on the situation. Probably him.
Matt: Seeing as on a scale of one to ten I'm a troll the lives under a bridge when it comes to social skills I'd say she wins this round.
Who is the neat freak?
Emily: We have different preferences for different things. He hates clutter, I hate dirt.
Matt: I will admit to a problem where I use about 23025 different cups and then leave them, half full of water, all over the house, but I claim innocence on most other tidiness infractions.
Who is the most stubborn?
Emily: Never me. Even though he probably thinks it’s me.*
Matt: I'm not stubborn. YOU'RE stubborn.
* I do.
Who hogs the bed?
Emily: Griff (!), then him, then Olive. Leaving me with about a foot of bed space by morning! But I get the covers ☺
Matt: She calls it hogging the bed. I call it agressive cuddling.
Who wakes up earlier?
Emily: Him. I hate mornings.
Matt: Lets just say one of us is regularly still in their pink heart flannel pajamas until two or three in the afternoon.
Where was your first date?
Emily: To a black-tie event with his parents. Where his parents proceeded to tell me embarrassing childhood stories of Matt growing up ☺
Matt: Some sort of banquet for something or other with my parents. Because few men are as smooth as taking a girl on a first date with their mom and dad.
Who has the bigger family?
Emily: We are fairly equal I think.
Matt: Emily I presume. In actuality it could be fairly even, but my family is quite fond of making people 'dead to them'. So the number of people we are allowed to interact with on my side has dwindled over the years.
Do you get flowers often?
Emily: Not in the traditional sense. I get a lot of leftover flowered shrubbery from his work added to my garden each spring…the joys of marrying a nurseryman.
Matt: Conventional gender roles dictate that I don't get to get flowers. F*#$ing patriarchy.
Who does the laundry?
Emily: Definitely me.
Matt: My technique for laundry is a highly complex two step process. Step one is wash and dry the laundry. Step two is never fold it ever and just live my life digging a outfits out of an enormous heap in the laundry room. Repeat until dead.
Who's better with computers?
Emily: Definitely him!!!.
Matt: Me, but being 'better' with computers is not the same thing as being 'good' with computers. That distinction should be clearly noted. I am about one step above your befuddled step-father trying to figure out how to download a .pdf file.
Who drives when you are together?
Emily: We split it fairly evenly except that he does most of the longer trips.
Matt: Typically me.
Who picks where you go to dinner?
Emily: I hate making decisions so I make him decide and then shoot him down a bunch until I finally decide that I don’t actually want to go out most of the time.
Matt: That's a tough call. Based on all empirical evidence gathered from every conversation about where to eat we've ever had, nobody actually has any preference of where to eat. Ever. Like, not even one time...
Who wears the pants in the relationship?
Emily: Seeing as how he prefers life pants-less most of the time and I’m always freezing, I guess me :P
Matt: I try to spend as little time wearing pants as possible. I have a strict 'pants off as soon as I walk in the door' policy..