Christmas Tree Update

If you're not familiar with the complete beast of a Christmas tree we had this year, you can read this and get up to speed.

Today I took the beast down and got rid of it. I thought I would immortalize it's passing.


Every year I take a piece of scrap plastic from work and use it to wrap my Christmas trees up so they don't shit needles all over my house on the way out the door. It saves me a bunch of cleanup time and keeps me from finding pine needles in my socks in August because as we all know, pine needles, glitter and that fake grass from Easter Baskets are the most adhesive objects in the known universe and can never be successfully removed from any surface.

Of course the thing is so huge it basically just looks like for some reason there was a full sized gorilla in my den and the only thing I could think of to deal with it was to throw a tarp on it. Don't see it? Here:


If only all of life's problems could be dealt with by throwing a tarp over them and pretending they don't exist. Tree gorillas aside, I hauled it out of the house to get rid of it. This turned out to be a whole production in and of itself.


I seriously don't understand how we got it in there in the first place. I had to put my feet on the wall and use my body weight to haul it through that doorway like a cartoon character just to get it out of the room. I'm sure I ruined at least half the branches jamming it through the doorframe as it apparently it got even bigger in diameter from when it went in. Logic would suggest that the branches had settled after we brought it in before Christmas, explaining the trouble i had getting it out. However, I suspect it grew two feet of it's own accord because it's an asshole.

Once it was outside it wasn't too bad at least. For a tree roughly the size of an adolescent rhino it was deceptively light; Possibly due to the fact that I put off dealing with it until almost a month after Christmas and it was so dry I'm surprised a slightly sunny day reflecting through the window didn't cause it to ignite. Or some other reason, maybe. Off it goes to the tree graveyard.

The tree graveyard is this spot in the woods behind our house I take the Christmas tree every year to dump. Apparently putting your tree out in the woods to decompose naturally is good for wildlife that can use it as shelter, but mostly it's just easier for me to huck it in the woods and not deal with it again, so I don't feel like I really get any merit badges on my sash for it. (Do boyscouts get sashes? That seems like it's probably more of a Girlscout thing. Boyscouts should start getting sashes because fuck off, boys can be fabulous too if they want.) 

I also like the tree graveyard because the particular spot I go to is sort of this lip that overlooks a steep hill into the little area where all the trees go. Its really fun to hurl the tree off the cliff and watch it tumble to it's fate. Because I'm nine apparently and get satisfaction from that sort of thing.


You can see the tree from each year we've lived in this house down there, though the one from four Christmases ago is is hard to see at this point. If we ever move I might sneak back here in the middle of the night in January every year to keep throwing Christmas trees off this hill. I want it to be a barren wasteland of old Christmas trees someday, and also I like the though that whoever lives here after me has a little bit of a paranoid breakdown fifteen years from now trying to figure out why Christmas Trees keep appearing in the middle of the night.

Just for reference, if you look a little closer, that's last year's tree being suffocated by the malformed girth of this years tree.

Maybe next year I'll just come back down here and get this one to put up again. It will probably manage to still be green somehow. Out of sheer malice I suspect.