I am Weedman

Last weekend the single worst thing that ever could, or ever has happened to a human being happened to me. I received the following text:


Dear sweet Muppet Baby Jesus, this is my nightmare.

The "who this" text, is like the digital equivalent of a Jehovah's Witness coming to your house. Except instead of knocking on your front door where you can sit perfectly still in the den and pretend not to be home, he came in the side door and started making potato salad in your kitchen before you even realized he was there. 

You just walk into the kitchen because you want some juice and there he is, all "Hey buddy, want some potato salad? Want to talk about Jesus?" You aren't prepared for him and he's already breached the defenses, so the next thing you know you're thumbing through a copy of The Watchtower and eating potato salad. And you weren't even in the mood for potato salad. AND you never get your goddamn juice.

The point I'm tying to make is that I have a hard enough time dealing with people on a day to day basis in places I expect to have to deal with them; I am not equipped to handle the stress of having them pop up within the sanctuary of my phone.

Whilst wrestling with the crisis of the first unsolicited grammatical travesty, mystery texter sent me this follow up gem:


Whelp, I was having a heart attack over getting a stranger text, but that statement is so ridiculous I decided I was going to have to take action; You don't just double text somebody some "who this" texts with no regard for grammar, punctuation, capitalization or the fact that you shouldn't tell a stranger you have them in your phone as 'Weedman'. We're trying to have a society over here buddy, pull it together.

Here is how I chose to respond:


I guess once they discovered that I didn't have any weed they lost interest in talking to me. That or they thought I was some kind of maniac. Either way they didn't text me anymore, so I got what I wanted out of the situation.

Me: 1  

Stranger who learned a valuable lesson about what happens when you text random numbers like some kind of animal: 0

Moral of the story: 

  1. Don't call or text random numbers and have the audacity to ask the person you just phone molested who they are.
  2. If a random number calls or texts you in what clearly seems to be a wrong number situation, don't call them/text them back to see who it was. If it's someone you actually know they'll leave you a message. But hopefully not a voicemail, because people who leave voicemails are almost as bad as people who text strangers. You're just making everything worse for everyone forever so stop it already.
  3. Just be normal and avoid having to have contact with anyone ever like the rest of us.

That will be all.

Also, now I want potato salad.