Just Some Stuff That Was On My Phone

Sometimes I take pictures of stuff on my phone, you know, as one does. But then sometimes I go back into my phone later and I'm like "Jesus crap, what the hell is this picture?" and "Why did I take fourteen pictures of the dogs sleeping on the sofa?"

I don't like clutter on my phone, so I pretty regularly go through and delete pictures and things off my phone to save space and keep everything nice and tidy. Folding and putting away laundry is like having hot nails driven into my kidneys, but I don't mess around when it comes getting rid of the clutter on my devices.

Besides pictures, I also regularly purge stuff like text messages, voicemails, and other junk that builds up over time. I'll be all like "Why the hell do I have six different workout/meal planner apps, a dice rolling app and an app that just makes fart noises?" DELETE!!!!

I mean obviously the fart noises app stays but the rest of that shit was just taking up space and needed to go. Cherished life moments and meaningful conversations be damned. Papa needs storage space. Plus lets be real it was 99% texts with Emily trying to figure out what we are going to have for dinner and talking about when the dogs pooped last.

In the spirit of not everything being forever lost to the digital abyss (Digital Abyss would be a sick band name) here are a few of the things that were in my camera roll:

Murder horse from a western themed restaurant near us.


I feel like I should explain. There is a restaurant near us that has a western thing going on. One of those places that nailed a bunch of cowboy and indians junk to the wall and called it a day. The food is really good though so we eat there sometimes.

We've been there a bunch of a times before but the last time we went was the first time I noticed this thing in their foyer. His creep-ass dirty doll hair, along with his inexplicably lumpy deformed body aside, its really the eyes that are the worst part.


Sweet buns on a baboon those eyes are nightmare fuel. What is wrong with them? Why does he have the eyes of a human serial killer? What does he want from me? Does he want to cut off all my skin devour my soul and then steal all of my hair to add to his own suspiciously lifelike tufts?

Looks like we're never going back to that restaurant.

This Cat.

This cat hangs out around our house. I'm pretty sure he sleeps in our garage. We've had a lot less mice in the house since we started seeing him so I figure he's hooking me up. Since hes pulling his weight I figure he's cool to chill out. I call him Muffin.

Thing is, Muffin isn't usually keen on me getting near him. Whenever I see him he runs off and watches me from a safe distance until I go away.

Except this one time when for some reason he was super friendly. I came home from the gym one time with a Pizza I was bringing home for dinner and he was just chilling on the table by our side lot. I went over to him and hopped down to check me out. He let me pet him and stuff and I gave him a little chunk of Pizza, it was pretty awesome.

After that one time he went right back to running away from me. What happened Muffin? I thought we were bros. Maybe he just wanted me for my Pizza.

The best goddamn thing that has ever happened involving a piece of string getting on a shirt of all time.


This is a shirt I own. It is a kitten attacking the empire state building like King Kong. It is awesome and if you think otherwise you have no sense of fashion. 

The other night when I was brushing my teeth I looked in the mirror and noticed the greatest thing I have ever witnessed in my life.

A piece of string got on my shirt in this exact placement:


This is the conversation that took place following this discovery:

Matt: *runs into room with toothbrush in mouth* Oh my god, look at where this string went on my shirt!

Emily: *reading her book in bed* What?

Matt: The string! Look at it, it's not part of the shirt, it just got on there in that position.

Emily: Okay...

Matt: Isn't it funny? It's like right there. It's like he's playing with the string.

Emily: ....

Matt: ...

Matt: It's a kitten, and it looks like he's playing with the string.

Emily: Okay... you're cute, go finish brushing your teeth.

Matt: No, it's funny though! Just look at it

Emily: *Goes back to reading* I saw it already.

Matt: You have no appreciation for the cosmic beauty of this situation.

Seriously guys. The string just ended up there on it's own. Just like he was playing with it. JUST LIKE IT.