Sending Things to Strangers on the Internet

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Last week I came across a post on Facebook that was sort of like a chain message, only instead of demanding I share the totally true and entirely not fake story of Sally the little orphan girl with no eyeballs who will come into my room and turn my face into spiders and also burn my house down if I don't forward it on to at least ten people before midnight, it was a chain message about sharing books with people.

 
 

Unlike Sally's face-spider/arson letter, I liked the premise of this thing and decided it would be a nice way to spread some positivity in the world. I do not negotiate with haunted orphan terrorists, but I'm totally down with promoting literacy.

About a month ago I discovered the website of one Jenny Lawson, aka The Bloggess, a writer about seven billion times funnier and better at writing than I will ever hope to be. Reading The Bloggess' site has served as a big motivator for me to start devoting more time to creating for AiH: a task which I was surprised to find did wonders for my overall well-being . Apparently if I'm not creating anything, eventually too much clutter builds up in my head and I get super unhappy. It seems drawing dumb cartoons and writing poo jokes remedies that enough that I don't relapse into an uncontrolled World of Warcraft binge where I gain ten pounds and hate myself.

Back in February, Mrs. Lawson posted something called Booksgiving on her site. That post is here. The premise of that event, which I gather was extremely successful, was very similar to the premise of the non-orphan-murderer chain mail I screenshotted above; a bunch of strangers on the internet gift books to one another because it's a nice thing to do and we could all benefit from a little random kindness once in a while. 

I decided that having missed Booksgiving due to not being aware of it, participating in this book share chain mail would be a good way to pay homage to someone who had inspired me, while simultaneously doing something nice. 

I went out and purchased two copies of Furriously Happy by Jenny Lawson. One to send to whatever stranger I got linked up with and the other to read myself.

Please disregard the disembodied dog head, Griff has a thing where he must be in any photograph being taken in his vicinity. You pretty much can't snap a photo of something in my house without his dumb head stuck somewhere in the frame.

I got assigned someone in London to send my book to, which is pretty cool. I don't think I've ever had to mail anything internationally before. 

Off my book goes, along with a little note I wrote and this drawing of a bunch of dinosaurs having tea because apparently that is what I think of England.

 
 
 
 

I'm not gonna bother with what I wrote in the note, but basically I just explained why they were getting a random package and that I hope they liked the book, or the consolation dino tea party if not. Also I may have gotten off on a tangent at one point where I said mean things about Topeka Kansas for some reason.

Maybe this will be the beginning of an awesome old timey pen-pal relationship where we will send each other letters and junk in the mail. I've always wanted a pen-pal. Or maybe my weird book and dumb dino-drawing will make them think I'm a huge loser. One of the two for sure.

On the Internet, Nobody Knows You're an Android.

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I guess the account recovery for NCsoft verification just works on the honor system. Good thing I'm not a human-like murder bot sent back from the future to destroy humanity and enslave the world's population of ocelots to build an ocelot powered exit portal that will allow the remainder of my forces to enter this timeline, thus escaping the desolation of a future Earth where all forms of energy have been depleted leaving the robot master race on the brink of extinction. And also there is no Wi-fi there.

Good thing that's just a funny haha joke. Please return to your human activities.

You Wont Believe These Disney Princesses, Re-imagined!

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You may think you've seen these Six Disney Princesses before, but you've NEVER seen them like this. These re-imagined princesses will have you saying "OH MY!"

It seems like Disney Princesses have been re-imagined in literally every possible way you can think of. They've been made slightly chubbier, slightly skinnier, made to look like pinup girls, given realistic faces, gender swapped, made into tattoo covered hipsters... and...actually that's pretty much it.

With literally gallons of reimagined Disney Princess click-bait articles all circulating the same handful of concept art princesses you would think we might come up with a new cheap attempt at generating site views with worthless content. You might also think people would finally stop clicking on them.

Apparently you'd be wrong on both counts! WE WILL PLASTER YOUR FACEBOOK FEED WITH SLIGHTLY PHOTOSHOPPED PRINCESSES UNTIL YOU BLEED FROM YOUR EYES AND DIE.

As Promised, Here are six Disney Princesses presented in a whole new way, like you've never seen: As Grapefruits.

1. Ariel

2. Cinderella

cinderella.jpg

3. Belle

4. Mulan

                                                    the joke is that it's a chinese grapefruit.

                                                    the joke is that it's a chinese grapefruit.

5. Snow White

snow.jpg

6. Jasmine

jasmine.jpg

PS. The lesson here is that garbage clickbait articles are the worst. If you agree, but are also a hypocrite like I am for making this in the first place, please share! Stop the clickbait spam! (except for this one. Spread this one because people looking for Disney Princesses and getting Grapefruit is hilarious.)

PS Also: I am not proud of myself for this.

PS also also: I kind of am, just a little.

I am Weedman

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Last weekend the single worst thing that ever could, or ever has happened to a human being happened to me. I received the following text:

 
 

Dear sweet Muppet Baby Jesus, this is my nightmare.

The "who this" text, is like the digital equivalent of a Jehovah's Witness coming to your house. Except instead of knocking on your front door where you can sit perfectly still in the den and pretend not to be home, he came in the side door and started making potato salad in your kitchen before you even realized he was there. 

You just walk into the kitchen because you want some juice and there he is, all "Hey buddy, want some potato salad? Want to talk about Jesus?" You aren't prepared for him and he's already breached the defenses, so the next thing you know you're thumbing through a copy of The Watchtower and eating potato salad. And you weren't even in the mood for potato salad. AND you never get your goddamn juice.

The point I'm tying to make is that I have a hard enough time dealing with people on a day to day basis in places I expect to have to deal with them; I am not equipped to handle the stress of having them pop up within the sanctuary of my phone.

Whilst wrestling with the crisis of the first unsolicited grammatical travesty, mystery texter sent me this follow up gem:

 
 

Whelp, I was having a heart attack over getting a stranger text, but that statement is so ridiculous I decided I was going to have to take action; You don't just double text somebody some "who this" texts with no regard for grammar, punctuation, capitalization or the fact that you shouldn't tell a stranger you have them in your phone as 'Weedman'. We're trying to have a society over here buddy, pull it together.

Here is how I chose to respond:

 
 
 
 

I guess once they discovered that I didn't have any weed they lost interest in talking to me. That or they thought I was some kind of maniac. Either way they didn't text me anymore, so I got what I wanted out of the situation.

Me: 1  

Stranger who learned a valuable lesson about what happens when you text random numbers like some kind of animal: 0

Moral of the story: 

  1. Don't call or text random numbers and have the audacity to ask the person you just phone molested who they are.
  2. If a random number calls or texts you in what clearly seems to be a wrong number situation, don't call them/text them back to see who it was. If it's someone you actually know they'll leave you a message. But hopefully not a voicemail, because people who leave voicemails are almost as bad as people who text strangers. You're just making everything worse for everyone forever so stop it already.
  3. Just be normal and avoid having to have contact with anyone ever like the rest of us.

That will be all.

Also, now I want potato salad.

The Dogs Broke My Wife

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Every now and again my wife gets caught in a loop where she find something (usually herself) so goddamn funny that she devolves into hysterics for minutes at a time, laughing at pretty much nothing. 

I took this video a while back when the dogs were being a pair of complete assholes and it launched Emily into what can only be described as a physical manifestation of  a person who "literally can't even".

Maybe it's just me, but I just find these fits of hysteria infectious. Whenever I need a laugh throughout my day I get out my phone and play this video and it never fails to put me in a good mood.

I'll just leave this here in the event that it can brighten up someone else's day just a little.

If that made your day even an infinitesimal amount better, I'm glad that I shared it. If you know of somebody else who might need something to make them laugh at something dumb for a few minutes in an otherwise crummy day send this to them too. Or send them a video of yourself breakdancing while wearing one of those inflatable t-rex suits. Or go to their house and give them an atomic high five. Or do literally anything to make you or someone else just a little less full of rage and disappointment at the world.

 

P.S: I feel like I should apologize for the fact that I shot the video in portrait mode. I wasn't raised by wolves, I know better then that.

I'm Super Famous Now.

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I'm proud to announce that I am the star of a smash internet hit video.

I've been a huge Rooster Teeth fan since I was in about 8th grade. Rooster Teeth is a company that makes web content, for those not familiar. They have massively popular shows like Red vs Blue and RWBY, a number of super popular weekly podcasts, and a whole slew of other shows and content.

A few months ago, Rooster Teeth released their first feature length movie, Lazer Team. As a Christmas present for by brother, I purchased two tickets to the premier so we could see it in one of the select theaters showing it opening night.

At the screening, an intro for one of Rooster Teeth's shows Achievement Hunter Weekly Update was shot by a fan. It's a video of the entire audience shouting the intro line for the show, but I think we all know who the real star was. That's right. Me.

The clip was submitted and ended up being used in the video for AHWU #310 a few weeks ago. Thanks to my breakout appearance in the video I am now a famous internet star.

If you want to check out the full video, I'll include a link to it at the end. To save you some time and get down to the real main attraction, I've used the marvels of modern technology to show you just the important part. Here is where I make my youtube fame debut:

First you go to the video, and pause it at 10:24

Enhance

 
 

Enhance

 
 

Enhance

There we are.

 
 

My Brother is the sort of teal colored amoeba and I am the reddish thing that kind of looks like an alien/ Beaker from the Muppets waving it's hands above it's head.

I'm not sure what to do now that I am a huge famous youtube star. I'll probably have to quit my job, move out to LA and start signing lots of autographs. Don't feel bad that you guys are only mere peasants now that I have outgrown you and am a huge important deal.

I'll remember you all fondly.

P.S Here is the link to the original video: AHWU #310